We had been trying to have a baby, but we didn't
anticipate how difficult pregnancy could be. I turned out to be one of
those mommies who continues to have stomach problems (nausea and acid
reflux) for the entire duration of the pregnancy rather than just for
the first three months. It was difficult for me to do much around the
house, and my husband, although very loving and affectionate by nature,
is also somewhat OCD and finds it hard to feel respect for someone who
doesn't try hard enough to keep things clean. Plus, we had many other
problems as well. We needed to separate, and although we went to
counseling and tried to work things out, we ended up getting divorced in
2011. My (ex-)husband now lives in Ohio, while my son and I moved in
with my parents, who still live here in Prabhupada Village, NC.
In the Vedas, one important concept that is dealt with is that of dharma. Among other meanings, one's dharma
is one's sacred personal duty, the specific set of religious principles
that each person must follow in order to find success and happiness in
this world and out of it. In Vedic culture, wifely chastity is much
admired, glorified and respected. This chastity means much more than
just sexual fidelity. It is basically an all-encompassing attitude of
loyal love and devotion. Certain specific pieces of advice are given to
women who aspire to be chaste wives: things like, "be loving and
respectful towards the friends of your husband," because if your husband
likes or respects a person, he'll be unhappy if you fail to treat that
person well. The goal of all the Vedic teachings of wifely chastity is
to ensure harmony and happiness between husband and wife through
teaching women how to be unconditionally loving, devoted, and supportive
toward their husbands. The husband is considered the head of the
household and the wife is his honored helpmeet. She can certainly voice
her opinions and offer him advice if need be, but she must do so in a
sweet and respectful way, never in a way that he would experience as
harsh or annoying, and at all times it is for the husband to make the
final decision if he so wishes.
Another facet of Vedic
marital culture is that, in almost all cases, there is not supposed to
be any divorce and remarriage. Marriage is to last until husband and
wife separate through death or through the husband's entering a
renounced order of life such as vanaprastha or sannyasa,
in which celibacy is required. According to the ancient custom (which,
not too surprisingly, is not much practiced any more in the modern
day...), while the couple is still married, or if his first wife dies,
the husband is permitted to take another wife (or more than one) if (A)
he can afford to maintain them and (B) his earlier wife or wives, if
still living, agree to the idea of a "sister wife" joining their
family. Thus, any number of marriages is possible for men within
ancient Vedic culture. But the concept of polyandry (a woman having
more than one husband) is almost unheard of; generally a woman who has
more than one love interest is denigrated as unchaste in Vedic culture.
If she becomes an actual widow or a "civil widow" -- the latter being
what she's called if her husband takes sannyasa and renounces the
world -- she is, in most cases, a widow for life. A chaste wife would
never consider remarriage even in the event of her husband's death. Her
undying love and loyalty toward him are supposed to endure for the
duration of her life. That is Vedic wifely dharma.
Most
of my friends in Krishna consciousness don't take this stuff too
seriously. Plenty of them have divorced and remarried apparently
without a second thought as to how appropriate or inappropriate that
would be considered in Vedic culture, and I've always been supportive of
their decision to do that. However, I happen to have been raised in a
family that does care about Vedic culture, so I have been internalizing
these concepts of wifely chastity and dharma for my whole life. I
never expected to be amongst the "divorced" segment of society! But
since it has happened, the question is, what shall I do now? My
(ex-)husband may consider that our marital vows are not binding on him,
but I still hold them sacred. Therefore, thus far at least, my decision
has been to go on trying to remain faithful to my marital vows as much
as I can, even though my marriage has fallen apart. Hence, I am in the
weird position of being simultaneously married and not-married. It's
pretty confusing at times, but you're welcome to come along for the ride
if you like. See what life looks like through the eyes of a
trying-to-be-dharmic divorcée.
The reason I put
"(Not-So-)" in my blog title is because, in spite of wanting to be
dharmic and trying my best to be a lot of the time, I am really far from dharmic. I didn't try that
hard to be a good wife while I was 100% married, so it's really not a
surprise that my marriage fell apart. I do things like stay up late,
sleep in, and take forever to get around to showering, all of which are
big no-nos in Vedic culture. And far from being loyal and loving
eternally toward my (ex-)husband, there are plenty of things I don't
like about him and I do sometimes fantasize about being married to
somebody else. So much for the dharma! LOL!
But again, if you're curious what life looks like to a girl like me, then come along and I'll tell you all! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment